Lately I feel fragile. It seems like if the wind blows too hard in my direction that I might disperse into a million little pieces like a dandelion’s seeds and gently float the the ground and settle there. There are times when I feel strong and capable, but as I sit in the shadow of fragility lately….I think it’s where I prefer to be.
When I feel fragile I’m dependent. I see God more clearly. He brings me to this state not because He is uncaring or unloving, but because He is. Often when I feel strong, it is because I put a lot of confidence in me. Standing on that unstable rock that is my own way always leads to that fragile place. The God I love breaks me and all of a sudden the thick veil of selfishness that skewed my vision is all of a sudden lifted and these things seem very clear: I’m not in control, I’m not sufficient, and I have limits. It’s like someone was holding me under water and brought me back up to breathe. That desperation causes me to cling to the love of God.
I am forgetful though. It seems so easy to move on. I get comfortable again…slip back into that old habit of depending on me like I’m putting on my favorite pair of jeans. I don’t even notice that moment when I slip from one to the other.
So right now while I’m sitting in the fragile place. Feeling dependent and completely helpless, yet somehow completely at peace. I fear slipping back into my own self-sufficiency. I fear that suffocating feeling that self-sufficiency adorns you with. It’s so easy to stray and cry back for the slavery you once knew because it’s familiar. Dependence is hard because we feel helpless and needy, which is contradictory to our natural desire to be consumed with our own glories and our attempts to attain them.
I want to remember the fragile place as I walk through my days. I want be reminded of that vulnerable, peaceful place that I am kept by the Lord.